Sexuality reveals all our struggles in that world.
It shows our strengths and our weaknesses. Our lights and our shadows. Our ability to set boundaries, or not. How much we rely on others, how many masks we wear and which ones we use to build the person that we show to others.
If you can use that sacred aspect of your life to grow, it will affect all the areas of your being. Becoming more confident, more compassionate, more receptive, more connected. To others and to ourselves. More true, more free, more human.
That is why I stay fascinated by sexuality, regardless the fact that it is still a taboo subject and that not everything can be shared with everyone.
Reflection on its reflections
In daily life, we act automatically through our protection mechanisms. Would it be defensiveness, sadness, judgement, control, eating disorders… A lot of our protectors manifest in the sexual field because that is the very moment of our deepest vulnerability, when we want to open up and come from a true place. There, we experience the raw manifestation of our struggles.
After years of exploration and passion for the human being, I would like to highlight one (ok maybe two) root of all issues in your bed. I have been enduring it until I came to Tantra and met the best lover of my life. Ok, let’s go for a short story.
« Who was your best lover? »
He is lying in bed, the candlelight drawing waves of shadow on his dark skin.
« I mean, not who he was. I want to know why. How would he make love to you? That won’t be easy to hear, but I want to know. You deserve the best. »
Surprised, my first reaction is to doubt. He is not serious. I suspect him to ask out of the will to be the best, or at least as good as him. To have his place on the podium. But as I look into his black eyes, he forestalls my question. « I am serious. I can handle it. » I smile and pet his hair. If it is out of pride, I have no reason to spare him neither. « All right then. Listen. »
My best lover was present. Just fully present. 100% fucking present. He could stroke my palm, my nose, my butt, it didn’t matter, he was always here and now. Those of you who work/believe/feel the energy can understand that his awareness being in his touch, I felt held, safe, and considered. My best lover was with me as if we had all the time of the Universe to be together. Even if it meant setting alarms not to forget to go out, eating or doing errands.
My best lover was open. He had this aspiration for what is beyond everything, seing beyond our personalities, our physical incarnations. Holding space like a god and living this expansion toward the Divine, he allowed me to surrender and connect to something deeper.
Everything happening was perfect. We could have stop after kissing. It wouldn’t have mattered. We would have only breath together, that would have been perfect.
Because my best lover had no expectations. No expectations, at all.
« I see. You have to tell me everything. Show me. Teach me. » he says. I let the words sink. His hand on my heart becomes warmer. He closes his eyes. I am fascinated by this man, proud and stubborn, yet so vulnerable and in love with the Feminine. Everyone wants to be loved, ultimately. Everyone is looking for a safe place to let go of all masks and finally be who they really are. As my lips find his, I feel infinitely grateful for his question and so humbled by his strength. « Thank you. »
I don’t have any expectations! – riiiiight
I didn’t realize that it was at the root of any REALLY good sex until that day. I mean, not good average sex, not just sexy lay with beautiful lingerie neither crazy bondage session with lots of toys. I mean refine, exquisite, divine, yet hard, savage, raw love making. Pure connexion with another being. Real exchange, at such a level that you start feeling dizzy at the thought of not finding something similar thereafter.
Because we all have expectations, always. Especially in sexuality where our intimacy is totally spoiled by the hollywood representation of it, and the collective subconscious mind. I started to observe this pattern, again and again, to reflect on my previous sex life, and how I was engaging to my new partners. I was so shocked.
Since the first moment, we are loaded with expectations. At the moment you look at someone in a bar, there’s a hundred of thoughts and plans happening in your head, according to your own experience, your beliefs around the opposite gender (or same), etc. And when someone offers you a drink, it is almost already too late! I know, that sounds crazy but how many feel forced to be polite/nice and accept a kiss or a hug because someone paid you a drink?! Yes, you can say « oh, it is nothing. » Right, but think that if we are not able to say no to simple things like this, what about during an actual sexual intercourse. How insane is that. Start to realize there is expectations behind every action of flirting. A lot from the woman toward herself, but especially from the man toward the woman. (Yet nobody is to blame, we are all to be educated on that!)
Foreplay vs. erotic play
« Oh he expects me to enjoy the time he takes to arouse me. All right, I can fake a little bit to please him. »
The real thought is:
« Oh he expects me to enjoy the time he takes to arouse me before penetrating me. All right, I can fake a little bit to please him. »
And then… Because that was the logical next step, expected: penetration. Too soon. Maybe not even fully wanted. That is such a shame. Because we cannot enjoy the moment, we are almost fearing what is about to come. Realize. You could perform the best foreplay ever, there is still this thought of « I am doing this in order to get her wet, in order to go to the next step. » And the entire process is spoiled. Because that was a performance. Not an act given out of Love and real longing for connexion. We can feel it, and we cannot fully enjoy, relax, be. Expectations are killing the flow.
That could not be a big deal at the beginning, you need to adjust, and you are still full of passion because it is a new lover, a new skin, new flavors. But when the honeymoon fades, you can find yourself tired of this goal-oriented play. And there is nothing less sexy than someone thinking he/she is doing a really good job, but in fact is not realizing that you are not enjoying.
You get the point. The very word foreplay (préliminaires en français) induces expectations. We like to use erotic play instead with my friends, reminding everyone that nothing is expected and that we can stop at any moment.
Nobody is to blame. With the medias starting to be interested in empowering the woman in bed, broadcasting juicy pictures of clitorises and beautiful yonis in their infinite variety, people want to act good. They want to give pleasure, they want to make their partner orgasm, they want to be the best lovers ever. They want SOMETHING, that’s one point. And that is not always coming from a place of sincere devotion and selflessness. Because we are full of insecurities, it comes from our Ego. And the nice intention become pressure that both sexes put on each other and on themselves.
People, stop make yourself proud, stop boasting about sexuality. Every being is SO different. You thought you were the best lover on Earth, but hey, your secret magic potion didn’t work with one of your women? How did you react? Could you put your Ego aside and not be frustrated? Were you able to witness her vulnerability and help her to surrender? Didn’t you have that thought, that she must be frigid or less open than average?
You have the right to feel helpless, to ask questions, to be wrong, to fail, to try again, to mess things up.
This is not how you become the best lover, this is how you are the best lover, right now, in the present moment.
Authenticity and humility. I know too many people, especially in a tantric community, associating themselves to their sexuality, their sensuality. Because it would give them confidence, power and strength. Even respect. But sooner or later, if they are not fooling themselves, they’ll become aware of this pitfall. How can they hear any feedback about their way of making love, if they stay in their conviction of being so skillful?
Love with presence, openness and humility
Stop associating yourself to your sexual skills, because most likely your partner is not telling you the truth out of fear of hurting your pride. Think about this for a while. Are you in touch with your partner’s REAL feeling about your intimacy?
Stop assuming, pretending, faking. Allow your partner to be vulnerable, hold space for him/her to surrender. Ask. Meditate on that. Can you ask from a place of compassion, full presence, absolute non-judgment?
Learn how to not to take things personally, detach from your Ego for the sake of Love!
Learn hearted communication, how to hear, learn how to receive and give comments, informations, guidance.
With your presence, openness and humility, you will easily remove expectations and experience the most powerful connexions of your entire existence.